Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,
But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only the dance. I can only say, there we have been: but I cannot say where.
And I cannot say, how long, for that is to place it in time.
The inner freedom from the practical desire,
The release from action and suffering, release from the inner
And the outer compulsion, yet surrounded
By a grace of sense, a white light still and moving,Erhebung without motion, concentration
Without elimination, both a new world
And the old made explicit, understood
In the completion of its partial ecstasy,
The resolution of its partial horror.
Yet the enchainment of past and future
Woven in the weakness of the changing body,
Protects mankind from heaven and damnation
Which flesh cannot endure.
Time past and time future
Allow but a little consciousness. To be conscious is not to be in time
But only in time can the moment in the rose-garden,
The moment in the arbour where the rain beat,
The moment in the draughty church at smokefall
Be remembered; involved with past and future.
Only through time time is conquered.
-- "Burnt Norton" - T.S. Eliot
I've come back to this poem (part of The Four Quartets) for many years now, but recently this passage has been resonating and resonating and resonating with me. My project for this spring and summer, as we are hurtling towards another move and a huge life change (probably the most significant in years), and as I have been emerging from the first year's fog that precedes the birth of a child, has been to attempt to obtain a sense of stillness in myself. "Stillness" is a small word for a monumental effort: it encapsulates the attempt to learn mindfulness, remaining in the present, cultivating a relaxed and flexible mind, relinquishing judgment of myself and others. While I have played with these ideals in the past, never before did it seemed essential, or possible, for me to achieve them for myself. Yet, following my crisis of self during the winter and my desperate grasping for new strategies to achieve balance in my mind and emotions, these ideals have become paramount.
They have involved many techniques: yoga, therapy, meditation. As I've journeyed deeper into my own self, I've often felt uneasy and uncomfortable in my surroundings. And I can't say that I'm necessarily any nearer to achieving that still point than I was a few months ago.
But what I can say is this. I have sense of intense optimism about the future. For the past year, I've lived with an indiscernible dread at the prospect of undertaking this big move and starting this big job. I've been worried that, taking all these steps that seem intellectually right for my career and my family, I would inevitably be unhappy. I've been anxious about the long hours my new job will entail and how that will impact my time with my family and my general contentment and well-being. I've feared the lingering guilt over choosing a demanding career "over" time with my daughter.
Recently, though, this dread has begun to subside. I have begun to realize that, no matter how hectic my life may get (between work and family and personal maintenance), I can still have stillness within myself. And from this place of stillness, I can enjoy my life in the day-to-day moments. Quality time with my daughter. Nights out with my husband. Yoga classes. Trips to farmer's markets and coffee shops on the weekends. Reading good, long books. Intellectually stimulating work. Time with family both near and far. Vacations to interesting, beautiful places.
From here on out, I will not:
- Feel guilt over how I choose to spend my time
- Feel regret for missing events or experiences
- Feel anxiety over situations and people I cannot control
- Judge myself for my emotions
- Judge my family for the way they express love
- Forget about the still points in every day
From here on out, I will:
- Be kind to myself
- Be kind to my family
- Be kind to the world
- Be mindful of today
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